So my hiatus from blogging wasn't in the multiple months category this time. Truth is, i've had my brain turned off for quite a while. Which is usually a good thing, I suppose. I've been experiencing a confluence of events, emotions, and energy which is all wonderful, truth be told, and yet hectic. I don't have much to offer you at the moment, and i suppose, that is what i have to offer. Sometimes we don't have zilch, we just are what we are, and thats it.

And that is always enough for God. In His word He speaks of faith as being a qualitative thing--just have a miniscule bit and that is enough. That is all He needs. He can make large meals out of crumbs. He just needs SOMETHING to work with. And i think in large part that is the lesson of the scripture as a whole, as long as we give Him something, He'll do the rest. Its when we doubt, starting thinking we're not enough, or especially, that He's not enough, that we find ourselves not that much farther from betraying Him, forsaking Him, forgetting about Him.

So if you find yourself doubting, or wondering where God is, remember...it could be that He's there and ready to intervene in your life, He just needs something from you to multiply. So give Him your crumbs, your tears, your sorrows, your time, and your fears. He's big enough to make a lot out of a little.

Party like its 2009, and the renewal of my life's firmest pledge

This post is a shout-out to Jacob and Eva, the best party-throwers i have ever met, and perhaps, even better friends. There are a few people i have met who, during the course of having the privilege to know them, at some point confront me with the realization that they really care about me. Or i should more correctly say, i have underestimated my value to them as friends.

So Eva planned 3 nights of parties in a row, including a day-long event that started at a brewery and involved guns, ammunition, and hitting golf balls all over the place. It also featured a blow-out at 75 mph with 7 people in an older Suburban and ended with the most redundant movie known to man ['Ray']. And then we added a hot-tub and cigar celebration for a fourth straight night...it was probably the most relaxing weekend of my entire life.

And one of the top 5 weekends of my entire life. I don't ever think i've felt so appreciated.


And it made me realize that my friends are enhanced and enriched by my life. It was a 'george bailey' moment, and it suddenly dawned on me that i am important to more than just the odd person here or there.

the lie the enemy has been telling me is that because God has not yet put a woman in my life this must not be the case. i have a really hard time with that one...perhaps the hardest time. but i've had a few 'eureka!' moments, and while they are quite unwelcome, they have conveyed truth. The first one was a few years ago, after a particularly difficult stretch of resisting temptation, a la Joseph and Potiphar's wife. [there really is only just one way--run].

i was questioning God and was in a random shopping mall, in a place for either the first or second time in my life. i had been [cowardly, i might add] asking Him for a sign...something, anything, to let me know He was there and actually cared i was fighting this battle to preserve His gifts in me and for someone i do not yet know. there, suddenly, when i looked to my right, was a card, on it a verse written..."darkness may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". Not a tract. Nothing but shabbily scrawled words. That were for me.

I have never found something like that before, or seen it, etc. I took it and went home to the end-table where i have the contract i signed regarding sexual purity as a teenager and a purity keychain that was a gift i greatly prize. something welled up in me that was definitely good, but definitely forceful and driven by a fire that isn't necessarily 'nice', but is good. without really knowing what i was doing, like i was watching myself do it, i took my favorite knife and plunged it into the end-table, pinning the verse-inscribed card into the table and the contract.

it was almost like that act, and the knife, killed the last remnants of second-guessing and weakness that could lead to my cowardly retreat. from that moment i knew...i might die in this battle. i might have to.

and then it happened again. i'll save you the descriptions and explainations leading up to this, but suffice it to say that i took my favorite workout/sleep shirt and wrung it in my hands. i had been doubting lately, WHY WHY WHY am i doing this? Why am i waiting? is she waiting for me? does she even exist?

then suddenly the thought, which did not originate from me but compelled the vortex of my soul to, with all the force in me, drove me to take my youth-group-abstinence-rally t-shirt and put it on as if it were a suit of armor. and make the commitment to put that armor on every day until i die. it isn't about me. it isn't even about her anymore. its just about obedience. doing what God says....even if it kills me. or makes my life an excruciating agony because of the actions of others.

i, for one, will not be guilty of not taking a stand, of doing nothing, while evil men abound and prosper in their actions. i would encourage you to do the same...in all aspects of life. it is only the grace of God that has strengthened me in this one area of life, and i pray His purposes are fulfilled, regardless of my fate on this temporal planet.