first glimpse of true beauty in the desert of flashy cars, constant sunshine, and spiritual poverty [i.e. malibu]

the most beautiful woman i have seen in ages was crossing the street today. well i guess she was before i saw her. i saw her on the sidewalk, when leaving the post office. she was about to walk in. she had short, but flowing hair. wavy. brown, i think. i don't remember the color. what i remember was how stately she looked. like a lioness, on the prowl. she was medium build, but she carried herself with a known integrity. she had the look of a queen on a throne. of a woman who knows who she is, whose she is, and what she is. what she's about, what she likes. what her dreams are, but where her feet reside...on the ground. she probably grounds her man, keeps him on the level. but supportive. she looked very supportive.
she did not look particularly in shape, but not obsessive about physical activity, or her appearance, by any means. she looked average in fashion, but not homely. not plain, but--ordinary.

she did not smile when i smiled at her, but she acknolwedged my smile. she was no doubt busy, or that's the way it seemed anyway. she looked 'on a mission,' and yet, relaxed. peaceful, and calm, yet driven. focused. passionate.

it is not even 'her' that was beautiful to me. what happened, methinks, is that God opened my eyes, for a split second, because i didn't see her. my head moved and swiveled, compelling me to look in her direction, and there she was. and in that instant, all these thoughts flashed before my eyes, in a split second. i have only just now been able to unpack them.
why i saw her i'll never completely understand, quite possibly.
but, i understand the main purpose--God wanted to unveil my eyes, to begin to look at the true beauty in life--the way things REALLY are, not the way our world has conditioned us to see them.

for you see, i'd have normally never noticed her, as i am all too easily driven to look at things flashy, or worldly, or tan and trim and cover-model magazine-esque.

for you see, this woman, was in her mid-30's, wearing a dull gray shirt, khaki-capris, and walking smoothly and seemingly unaffected by the abnormal weight distribution in her belly.

for you see, this woman is preganant, and quite obviously so.

too long vacant...

watching Jay leno, and he's hosting Jimmy Smits, and they show a clip of a bad tv show that quotes solomon saying 'my bride, my spouse' and they focus on that line and make fun of it. its ironic to me--no one has any clue that is actually from the Scriptures themselves.

Its funny to me how Hollywood portrays sin as more appealing as it is--less real than it is, and portrays true life as less appealing than it is. This made their love look tame. Song of Solmon. is. not. tame.

worked this summer for a basketball team. it basically is a warrior culture. the entire league. it struck me how much our society is like Rome, we are affluent. we have plenty of necessities and as a result have turned to spectacle to pique our interest. real life, real family, real people, no longer seems to be enough.

does anyone else think Steve Jobs is like an oracle handing magic beans to the naive masses? i swear its like people are getting little gods to worship when i watch his products being unveiled.
i'm not saying there's anything wrong with technology. but our obsession with it may be very, very wrong.

buffet doesn't understand the full capacity of the internet. so he won't invest in it. we should take notice.

much and many ideas have been rolling through my head at a pace so fast ive had to write them down. need to consolidate soon.

so, all you millions of my readers out there, i should be back on the blogging trail soon...

Frozen in Quicksand...

...is how i would describe it. There's a feeling of helplessness, not victimness, but the loss of one's intertia as you feel the dry bits, infinite in their simplicity and numerocity, closing in on you. Yet, the state of mind is cool, solid, opaque, like ice four feet thick in a frozen lake.

This is the state of my soul, it would seem. My heart got a jumpstart this year, as the mummified tape was unwrapped from the deepest wounds, deep in my core, which ironically in freedom corresponded to my mental bondage to the drudgery that is law school.

The juxtaposition is a perpetual theme, it seems, and appropriate. The soul and heart can be separate, though, and my soul seems to be on hiatus. I'm still trying to catch up to it, and when i do, that's how it feels.

the wisdom of the homeless man

there is a girl that i have become, peculiarly, friends with from across the country, over the past year. she has a wonderful way about her of viewing all people on equal footing under God's umbrella of love and provision, and one of her comments has stuck with me since a phone conversation we had in october or so, when she spoke passionately about God loving her no less or no more not only than the most famous or rich person--but also with the same love which He extends to a random homeless guy, on the street.

this hit me--that subtle spirit of entitlement, of feeling elitist and better than others has crept into my seemingly perpetually wicked heart. it doesn't creep in with bold statements of belief or facts. oh, no, it seeps in like soapy water under the bathroom door, slowly polluting the carpet of my life with implicit affirmations of somehow deserving my position in life, my opportunities, my possessions or talents. my my my....how putrid! my selfish americanized insecure greed has become clear to me.

and startlingly clear, the other day, when stopping off pch, just outside santa monica, at a gas station. the funny thing is, i almost did not stop. but, something [or Someone?] compelled me to do so, so i did, and then, i got mad when the light was red. how juvenile of me. so i'm frustratedly waiting at the light, and i up and look to my left, and see--a homeless guy.

this is what hit me: the lie he's believing about his life, when boiled down to its root, is that he is powerless and must accept his plight. the root of the lie is that he can do nothing, is impotent, to alter his situation and/or lot in life.

for the record, let me say that this is just as dangerous as the lie that says that we control everything, we we we. in the generation of hollywood romances and million dollar 401k's and blissful retirements and pristine educations for all, we have accepted that lie as well.

however, this one is similarly dangerous. and in that moment, as i spaced out in thought [and suddenly couldn't care less if the light stayed red for 20 more minutes], i realized this is what i'd been believing, too! i've been feeling constrained, that nothing will change the struggles i'm facing in life and have been bogged down in, when the truth of the matter is that we are given struggles because why? for exactly the same reason as Alfred tells Batman....why do we fall? so we can get back up. same as the d-wade commercial--fall 7 times, get up 8.

its going to happen. it's a BLESSING in that it is a situation that shows us we are capable of getting up, being strong, and persevering. which leads to hope, to proven character.

and next time, because i'm running out of mental energy and time, i'll have to tell the story of the red pen and golf ball that i lost 2000 miles apart and somehow found, unexpectedly and in an extremely surreal moment, either exact copies of or the actual things themselves, in Malibu, multiple years later. probably the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

the importance of desert

i set a resolution to visit joshua tree national park this semester. somehow, it never materialized. well, i know how it didn't. life happened. other things happened that put my focus swiveling toward contemplating leaving mid-semester, or even earlier, and regulated doing my usual coordinator of all things social role to the back burner. which, i am finding, leaves me feeling like a fish out of water. i feel as if i'm the actor with no costume, or at least, one with a gaping hole in it that everyone can see but me.

the semester's not over yet, although i don't think i'll be at joshua tree until later this year. we never know what's around the next bend, however.

something i've been thinking about lately is how often we take an americanized view toward spiritual growth and nourishment. what i mean is, we automatically assume that there is an idealistic, 3-course-meal-esque normalized way of looking at what we 'need.' this was not how Jesus taught. he had a woman touch him who merely touched Him and was healed. His very words spoken across distances brought the power of life. He spoke of mustard seeds equitable with mountains. what is the economy of scale in the kingdom of heaven? there isn't one.

instead, faith is faith. the amount does not matter. it is a matter of quality, of substance, not of degree, or size. similarly, we wouldn't go over to africa and hand a starving child a giant steak, would we? no, we would start with water. maybe some wafers or bread. perhaps this is part of the imagery with the breaking and passing of bread--small pieces go a long way. what i mean is, or at least--what i've been thinking about is--how often do we treat spiritual truths and nourishment for others and ourselves as a 'one size fits all' super value meal?

instead, we should look at the whole person, look in the mirror, and seek the appropriate amount of spiritual nourishment. if its His truth, His word being taught/shared correctly, or true prayer--then the amount of time/length of words, etc. doesn't matter. it will bring true sustenance and in turn, growth.

but that takes patience. and faith.

i think that's why we don't do it. america is all about getting everything NOW. i haven't been able to get the beginning of psalms out of my head for a while now--the image is of a tree, by a stream. trees grow when planted by a stream...SLOWLY. it takes YEARS.

why do i expect things in my life to happen so quickly?!

silly rabbit. and my floppy ears probably make me look as goofy as i feel right about now.

desert times are essential. when dry and needy, we hear His voice clearly. we understand the ultimate futility of earthly life, accomplishments, and what we really will take from this life.

i don't want to say i've stopped looking for certain things in life [namely, romantic love], but well, i've ceased throwing wasted time and energy toward things that He does not seem to be cultivating in my life. the biggest ones of these are an excess of friendships, and my computer, and emphasizing working out.

well, that's probably convoluted or cryptic or both, but my point is--there is a difference between long term investing, and by faith investing where He commands, and simply wasting time, energy, and resources. when you stop and think about it--look around you sometime and ask yourself, where will all these components of my life be in 5 years, 10 years...50?

the simplest answer is that He is the only constant in our lives. there are other probabilities, but insofar as they are far from Him, so will our treasure, and therefore, our hearts, be far from Him as well. and if our endeavors are close to Him, then our hearts will be ever blest and joy-filled with His true satiating life, of which our thirsts die in satiation, never despairing no matter how dry the desert through which our paths may lead us still onward....

Oddities

When there's nothing left to do...that's where grace begins.

When there's nothing left to say....that's when understanding often begins.

When there's nothing left to be...that's often when we find ourselves.

When there's nothing left....He begins.

He begins to build, to work, to make something out of a someone who has been made nothing first, so said Luther.

I'm beginning to think that's my main problem--that i tried to be something. That i thought me being here was something, that He was making something out of me. But it's not happening; at least, not in terms of being 'a success,' or classes, or achievement in terms of the world.

Words are not coming to me and i do not know why. I've never been unable to write--certainly not like this. It's like something big is coming around the bend, and i've thought and felt that for a while, and am thinking that could be the reason for all this.

Most of all, it appears and feels as if this was just a stepping stone, to something else which is what i'm actually supposed to do--who i'm supposed to be. The most contemplative/potentially disturbing thought is that, if i'm supposed to get a law degree, shouldn't i be upset or emotionally affected by that not happening? Because i'm not at all. I'm totally at peace, and if anything, i'm only disturbed by what getting a degree might actually lead to in my life.

I've never been in this position before, but i think i'm actually living life from my deep true self, and it doesn't look pretty in the ways it used to--i'm not perfect, and i don't think the way everyone wants me to, and i simply don't fit in. I'm the odd-looking one that stands out and looks well, odd...

total precipitation of the heart...

the stream sweeps us into the river. the river has large currents. irrevocable ones. the stream one can influence, navigate. the river--not so much.

within the stream--we have will. within the river? against a tide? an ocean wave? and what is love but a wave of emotion and passion bubbling forth into an immovable force. the strongest in the universe, but....it starts with. a compilation. of. H2O molecules. individually--drops of water. together....immovable power. like love. by itself, divided--weak. impotent. but united--strength untold...

these concepts are merged in my head. love. and the river....the river is time. fate. life and it's ultimate plan for us. or rather--the river is not the plan, but the plan unfolds on the river.

i want something which i have not wanted for as long as i can remember. it's a small thing. a holiday thing. that this has returned to my life--this portion, and many things have died and gone that the rest of the world claim are 'important' to being 'successful'--it makes me happy. i could care less what everyone thinks. the river requires risk. as does love. inexorably so.

what reward has any of us to gain the world and all its content, and lose our soul?

without love...there is nothing.

time....

...they say, heals all wounds. it also reveals deep things lost, or so you thought. the past six months has been unique, healing, challenging, integral, predestined. and yet, i am at a loss. there is epiphany, and then the cloud closes. the fact remains we are still in a fallen world in which everyone is out for themselves. this is my plight, i suppose. i'll always give myself for another. this is dangerous.

there are a few around here who are bearing me up. can i trust them? yes. do they have time for me? sometimes. that is what i'm struggling against....so much change. i know what's next...the professional world and all its glory. to do it alone....just shoot me now. 'into the wild'--that's me. to a t. we were not meant to have things alone. and i don't just mean in terms of the structure of family, although that is the crux to this.

what i mean is--in community. i've left the most rich community of my life for a place where community exists, but is always subject to the constraints and demand of a system that is, well, predatory. zero-sum.

everything in question. everything suspect. i've been here before. but never....like this. and never by myself. nothing seems certain, except Him, of course.

the words escape me. the emotions are too much. the feeling is one in which everything i have done and been has been washed away, and now i am being swept away, while hearing the music of those all around me, thoroughly content and plush with blessings in their own lives. what i would give to cease feeling....

Do i stay or do i go?

After an intense journey of almost two years, i feel as if i just hit a brick wall while doing 100 mph. Actually, an uncle's business had a driver in a trailer get hit from behind by a BMW X5 sport utility vehicle that was doing 80+ mph. There were no skid marks. The guy is still in ICU i think. Well, i feel a little bit like that guy, emotionally speaking. When i came out here i thought i was smack in the middle of God's will, and now i feel like i've heard wrong, and i should have gone to Rochester for just an MBA. I'd be almost halfway to done with school by now, and actually enjoying the coursework. Of course, the weather stinks and its a more hostile environment and in all probability if i were there right now i'd be wishing i'd have come to Pepperdine. I just don't understand what God's doing with me. Breaking me down more, that's for sure. The one bright spot was when a female classmate invited herself over to bring me chicken soup in the middle of my sickness. I felt a little bit invaded, in the end, but it certainly could have been worse. She genuinely cared about me, and it soothed my soul in a way i have not felt for years.

It made me realize just how much all i've ever wanted is to be able to have a family and nothing seems farther away. I don't mean that i was thinking specifically about this girl, i simply mean that i cannot remember the last time even a friend did something girlfriend-esque for me. It awoke a part of my soul that has been in hibernation, shivering in the block of ice that has been solidifying for nearly a decade. To have some warm rays shine on it is a welcome experience, enough to assauge my grieving.

I think i'm grieving my dreams. Everything seemed perfect when i came here, and i projected myself, at worst, to be meandering through in the middle of the class. To be below that has been and is quite a shock, and i'm left wondering why, Lord, did you bring me here? I would feel better if i didn't feel at peace at the end of last semester, but i did. It felt like the most successful semester of my life--more than any of those in which i got perfect grades in college or high school, etc.

Anyway, whatever the case, i know He's on the throne and has everything written out already. I just want to be doing what He wants, and am questioning if i really am doing that, now....