time....

...they say, heals all wounds. it also reveals deep things lost, or so you thought. the past six months has been unique, healing, challenging, integral, predestined. and yet, i am at a loss. there is epiphany, and then the cloud closes. the fact remains we are still in a fallen world in which everyone is out for themselves. this is my plight, i suppose. i'll always give myself for another. this is dangerous.

there are a few around here who are bearing me up. can i trust them? yes. do they have time for me? sometimes. that is what i'm struggling against....so much change. i know what's next...the professional world and all its glory. to do it alone....just shoot me now. 'into the wild'--that's me. to a t. we were not meant to have things alone. and i don't just mean in terms of the structure of family, although that is the crux to this.

what i mean is--in community. i've left the most rich community of my life for a place where community exists, but is always subject to the constraints and demand of a system that is, well, predatory. zero-sum.

everything in question. everything suspect. i've been here before. but never....like this. and never by myself. nothing seems certain, except Him, of course.

the words escape me. the emotions are too much. the feeling is one in which everything i have done and been has been washed away, and now i am being swept away, while hearing the music of those all around me, thoroughly content and plush with blessings in their own lives. what i would give to cease feeling....