Exhausted, enigmatic, and eager...

...for the future to be revealed. I know, i know, God is faithful and probably just teaching me more patience. I think I'm scared i won't get into John Jay, to tell you the truth. If i don't, then seemingly all the decisions i've made up until now will be succeptible to criticism. Which, i suppose, is the lesson God wants to teach me....if He doesn't provide the way, i need to be ready, willing, and able to handle and deal with criticism.

Graduation banquet was really unbelievably a fabulous time! They seated me next to the machete and lipstick man himself....that's right--Del Tackett. As president of the Institute, he was giving the keynote address. Our table had good conversation with him--though he was gone for a good portion of the meal, dealing with issues that came up. Anyway, he emphasized the importance of not settling for less than God's specific, UNIQUE calling on our lives!

This was encouraging for many reasons, not the least of which was the fact that Kyle's last words to me before leaving Illinois were "Matthew, don't settle for being a king if God's calling you to be a farmer [or some other more remedial occupation]". This was almost spooky to me, as Del used the farmer as his example as well. I think for me something in the government/public service sphere is the 'farmer,' occupation--its serving other people and using my gifts in ways that are selfless and frankly, usually uncomfortable to me. I have to depend on God, and learn to be sufficient in a blood-thirsty, usually cuthroat environment.

I'm looking at spending some time in the policy department here if John Jay doesn't work out. Have much work to do on my graduate school applications--letters to get from recommenders, and the GRE to study for [and maybe the LSAT again]. So my plate is full...i'm staying on in a work-study capacity for Focus for the month of August. The end of our time here was somewhat emotional....some of the letters and notes i got from fellow students really touched me in a unique way. We had a bonfire out at a friend's parents' house, as well. It was really a wonderful time...we ended our experience with a worship time led by a musically talented student.

My heart is somewhat torn, but believe God wants me here in the springs for at least another few months, possibly a year. Who knows. Every time i think i have a long-term vision, it gets changed or scrapped. I'm recovering tomorrow from not having gone to bed before 1:30 am for the previous 10 days....thats how busy things have been, between school, social activities, meetings, time with people, lunches, etc., etc. Its been ridiculous. This weekend at Breckenridge will be a much-needed and deserved time of rest and, mainly, catching up on sleep! And of course, beating my head against the wall on the John Jay Institute application.

Well, hope everyone is doing well....if you're reading this, please pray for me over the next month....it is going to be a crucial one. i've already felt this from various sides and in numerous ways....especially spiritually and emotionally.

--August...at Focus...in August

Finishing well, open-heart surgery, continued athletic domination....

....you know, the usual things to be dealing with in the waning days of summer. I'm geared up and focused towards finishing things well here, at least for the program. Everyone is asking about the future, and frankly, a lot of it depends on how things go in two days when i visit the John Jay Institute. It would be the perfect thing to do for the next year while waiting on the grad school situation to be sorted out. It is geared towards training Christians intensively for grad school and/or careers headed towards public service, think tanks, government, etc.

The open-heart surgery has been occurring in the classes dealing with, well, everyone's heart, quite frankly. Relationships, family issues, designs for the future regarding these sensitive subjects.....i think there's a reason everyone is much more up in arms than before! Personally i know God is humbling me greatly through this--these are my areas where dependence upon Him is drastically increased, and i know that to stray from His path always has greatly detrimental consequences.

This is going to be a short post b/c i am insanely busy, and frankly, am off it concerning articulation right now. There's been way too much athletic activity [which has been good, in a way]....today i went on a great hike. I motored my way through many miles at a quite fast clip....ended up leading the pack, actually. We dominated in basketball late last week....it was quite an intense competition. Many bruises.....some of mine are still purple.

I've been somewhat frustrated by not having the time i've needed to get some thoughts out, on paper, and personal reading done....that will come soon, though, i have already planned accordingly....i'll be in breckenridge for a few days following the completion of the program here, staying with extended family. I know, tough recovery time :) seriously though, things keep ramping up, in terms of intensity, and i know this next week is going to be especially hectic. Monday is the biggest day for me, and frankly i've accepted that i won't be able to flesh things out until the meeting with John Jay is over. And thats a good thing.

If i have one more female peer or older influence unsolicitedly tell me how great a guy i am, incredible catch, etc., i think i may scream. literally! i'm thinking i'll let it rip at the top of my lungs. ok, obviously i'm not going to do this. It's been vitally encouraging to get this input from others [as i have my entire life], yet at the same time it feels.....patronizing? its late and the right words aren't coming b/c this is a matter of the heart, not the head. Deep down i do know they're being honest, but at the same time it just doesn't make sense with what actually transpires in that area of my life. I know God has been, and will continue to, protect me because He has the right one set aside as He does have me set aside and will match us at the right time. It just feels a bit fishy when we're talking at times about these issues, and concurrently i get comments, and all the while i'm wondering.....is God having fun with this? getting plenty of laughs out of this? i hope He's taping this or something. A voice recorder for my heart and soul....that's what He needs to be wiretapping right now.....very instructive.

Well, if anyone's reading this, thanks for caring enough about me to finish :) i know i can ramble and this particular post probably isn't the finest....but its real. Speaking of that, keep it real, and may you listen to He who wants to know us best, foremost, and at any cost, no matter unreasonable it may seem to us with our finite and often fleeting minds, hearts, and souls.

For His glory alone, your fellow pilgrim along the narrow path....

Captainhood....

'Captain' is my new nickname.....thrust upon me by many others. God has been showing me in the past week ways in which many do look to me for wisdom, leadership, and an exemplary standard of excellence. That is for His glory...for me excel that others may be likewise imbued with a desire for His truth, good deeds, and love. Those are the spiritual implications to me, anyway, of the past week. As usual, it's a long story, but basically the nickname began when i was football team captain....and we won in a massacre. It was bloody...very bloody.

I have been struggling with the loss of extreme intellectual stimulation, as Tackett and Leland's class has given way to the Bottomlys' more relational-focused class. As you all know, I'm quite a relational being, but obviously i'm 'better' at contributing to and absorbing from a more intellectually-minded course. Anyway, it has been a refining experience. As one fellow student has put it, the first half of the summer they 'rip your brain out, stomp on it, and put it back in,' for the second half they 'rip your heart out, stomp on it, and put it back in.' Well, that's quite harsh, and they don't stomp on it--they stretch it, strengthen it, greatly increase it's size and ability....but you get the point--its INTENSE.

God has blessed me much so with....i know this sounds silly....people taking an interest in conversing with me by asking me how i'm doing. This has not happened previously, and it has provided an open opportunity for me to talk through my struggles. This has been quite a contrast for me...i'm used to everyone seeing me as intellectually dominant and therefore without struggles [which we all have in one area of life or another!] or need for encouragement, being lifted up, etc. The fact that it has come through several peers, both male and female, has been very relieving and edifying...as from the Lord.

I guess the short version is that i am used to, in a larger setting, especially with those i don't know extremely well, having to look elsewhere for encouragement regarding my weaknesses and struggles. Things have been increasingly busy, as we enter the home stretch of the Institute. There is always too much to do and not enough time, this past week i have been very good about being disciplined with time, and keeping my priorities in order. More living options for here in Colorado....God has not opened any door occupationally yet past August, but perhaps those will come, who knows. My heart is still torn between Illinois and here....what wonderful community God has blessed me with being a part of in both places. There does not seem to be a wrong choice!

There has been much adventure and fun as of late...but God has me focused more on the broad-stroke view of what He's doing in my life....pray that i will continually be silent before Him, 'be still and know that He is God,' know Him and calmly, quietly obey Him for the coming steps beyond this. He has given me direction regarding a future opportunity, but it would not begin until January. Anyway, love you all, and miss you!

Stuck in the train station, like Neo, and yet bursting forth with the issues of life...

I'm still working on a piece regarding resurrection, that has not yet equaled the force and luminescence of my gem regarding death, written at the outset of my journey into the wilderness to get my heart back a little over a year ago. Eldredge says a young man has to head up into the spiritual high country to get his core back. This has certainly been true with me, and it seems the completion of this process has occurred in the both spiritual and literal/physical high-country...a place rife with beauty, adventure, and stunning force. Anyway, future direction is indeed coming along, and recently my heart has been bursting forth with life. It is at this point when i realize that the last hurdle has yet to be cleared, and until it happens, i remain moored in what Thomas More called 'no-place.' That is not to say this encompasses all of my life, but well, i'm just like Neo when he's in the train station....powerless to remove himself from being stuck, and wholly dependent upon others to rescue him.

This has been the theme of this year for me, and especially the last few months. I have had several life-altering occurrences happen in the past few weeks, and especially recently. It is as if God keeps hammering in to me--you cannot fix yourself, you cannot do what I want you to do without the input and direct altering influence of others. The latest help was eerie...spooky. And i think it may be what God has been holding, waiting to release to me until i am here, having been obedient and finished well the first half of an endeavor that already has, and is continuing to indelibly change my life.

Life continues to flow from me. My brain continually works better and better [provided of course that i sleep :), which i haven't been doing much of lately]. The biggest symptom remains athletic prowess. This has never been evident with me, but its to the point that others are taking notice and mentioning it. No matter what the sport, i'm a dominant presence, thus far. And i have yet to be beaten at cards, chess, checkers, etc. I'm crushing all comers at raquetball....Tyler, you need to come up here and give me a challenge :) My point is not to brag, but simply to say this has to be God's restoration in my soul, for the only evidence i can point to for this is drastically increased confidence, which comes only from Him.

Well, it is late and i'm still groggy from a crazy-awesome weekend spent at my aunt & uncle's cabin at Breckenridge. We watched the fireworks show over a lake, inset amongst the beautiful mountain peaks....and we had Beethoven on the car stero. It was like being in a movie!

More to come later.....hope everyone had a superb Holiday celebration!