the wisdom of the homeless man

there is a girl that i have become, peculiarly, friends with from across the country, over the past year. she has a wonderful way about her of viewing all people on equal footing under God's umbrella of love and provision, and one of her comments has stuck with me since a phone conversation we had in october or so, when she spoke passionately about God loving her no less or no more not only than the most famous or rich person--but also with the same love which He extends to a random homeless guy, on the street.

this hit me--that subtle spirit of entitlement, of feeling elitist and better than others has crept into my seemingly perpetually wicked heart. it doesn't creep in with bold statements of belief or facts. oh, no, it seeps in like soapy water under the bathroom door, slowly polluting the carpet of my life with implicit affirmations of somehow deserving my position in life, my opportunities, my possessions or talents. my my my....how putrid! my selfish americanized insecure greed has become clear to me.

and startlingly clear, the other day, when stopping off pch, just outside santa monica, at a gas station. the funny thing is, i almost did not stop. but, something [or Someone?] compelled me to do so, so i did, and then, i got mad when the light was red. how juvenile of me. so i'm frustratedly waiting at the light, and i up and look to my left, and see--a homeless guy.

this is what hit me: the lie he's believing about his life, when boiled down to its root, is that he is powerless and must accept his plight. the root of the lie is that he can do nothing, is impotent, to alter his situation and/or lot in life.

for the record, let me say that this is just as dangerous as the lie that says that we control everything, we we we. in the generation of hollywood romances and million dollar 401k's and blissful retirements and pristine educations for all, we have accepted that lie as well.

however, this one is similarly dangerous. and in that moment, as i spaced out in thought [and suddenly couldn't care less if the light stayed red for 20 more minutes], i realized this is what i'd been believing, too! i've been feeling constrained, that nothing will change the struggles i'm facing in life and have been bogged down in, when the truth of the matter is that we are given struggles because why? for exactly the same reason as Alfred tells Batman....why do we fall? so we can get back up. same as the d-wade commercial--fall 7 times, get up 8.

its going to happen. it's a BLESSING in that it is a situation that shows us we are capable of getting up, being strong, and persevering. which leads to hope, to proven character.

and next time, because i'm running out of mental energy and time, i'll have to tell the story of the red pen and golf ball that i lost 2000 miles apart and somehow found, unexpectedly and in an extremely surreal moment, either exact copies of or the actual things themselves, in Malibu, multiple years later. probably the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

the importance of desert

i set a resolution to visit joshua tree national park this semester. somehow, it never materialized. well, i know how it didn't. life happened. other things happened that put my focus swiveling toward contemplating leaving mid-semester, or even earlier, and regulated doing my usual coordinator of all things social role to the back burner. which, i am finding, leaves me feeling like a fish out of water. i feel as if i'm the actor with no costume, or at least, one with a gaping hole in it that everyone can see but me.

the semester's not over yet, although i don't think i'll be at joshua tree until later this year. we never know what's around the next bend, however.

something i've been thinking about lately is how often we take an americanized view toward spiritual growth and nourishment. what i mean is, we automatically assume that there is an idealistic, 3-course-meal-esque normalized way of looking at what we 'need.' this was not how Jesus taught. he had a woman touch him who merely touched Him and was healed. His very words spoken across distances brought the power of life. He spoke of mustard seeds equitable with mountains. what is the economy of scale in the kingdom of heaven? there isn't one.

instead, faith is faith. the amount does not matter. it is a matter of quality, of substance, not of degree, or size. similarly, we wouldn't go over to africa and hand a starving child a giant steak, would we? no, we would start with water. maybe some wafers or bread. perhaps this is part of the imagery with the breaking and passing of bread--small pieces go a long way. what i mean is, or at least--what i've been thinking about is--how often do we treat spiritual truths and nourishment for others and ourselves as a 'one size fits all' super value meal?

instead, we should look at the whole person, look in the mirror, and seek the appropriate amount of spiritual nourishment. if its His truth, His word being taught/shared correctly, or true prayer--then the amount of time/length of words, etc. doesn't matter. it will bring true sustenance and in turn, growth.

but that takes patience. and faith.

i think that's why we don't do it. america is all about getting everything NOW. i haven't been able to get the beginning of psalms out of my head for a while now--the image is of a tree, by a stream. trees grow when planted by a stream...SLOWLY. it takes YEARS.

why do i expect things in my life to happen so quickly?!

silly rabbit. and my floppy ears probably make me look as goofy as i feel right about now.

desert times are essential. when dry and needy, we hear His voice clearly. we understand the ultimate futility of earthly life, accomplishments, and what we really will take from this life.

i don't want to say i've stopped looking for certain things in life [namely, romantic love], but well, i've ceased throwing wasted time and energy toward things that He does not seem to be cultivating in my life. the biggest ones of these are an excess of friendships, and my computer, and emphasizing working out.

well, that's probably convoluted or cryptic or both, but my point is--there is a difference between long term investing, and by faith investing where He commands, and simply wasting time, energy, and resources. when you stop and think about it--look around you sometime and ask yourself, where will all these components of my life be in 5 years, 10 years...50?

the simplest answer is that He is the only constant in our lives. there are other probabilities, but insofar as they are far from Him, so will our treasure, and therefore, our hearts, be far from Him as well. and if our endeavors are close to Him, then our hearts will be ever blest and joy-filled with His true satiating life, of which our thirsts die in satiation, never despairing no matter how dry the desert through which our paths may lead us still onward....