Oddities

When there's nothing left to do...that's where grace begins.

When there's nothing left to say....that's when understanding often begins.

When there's nothing left to be...that's often when we find ourselves.

When there's nothing left....He begins.

He begins to build, to work, to make something out of a someone who has been made nothing first, so said Luther.

I'm beginning to think that's my main problem--that i tried to be something. That i thought me being here was something, that He was making something out of me. But it's not happening; at least, not in terms of being 'a success,' or classes, or achievement in terms of the world.

Words are not coming to me and i do not know why. I've never been unable to write--certainly not like this. It's like something big is coming around the bend, and i've thought and felt that for a while, and am thinking that could be the reason for all this.

Most of all, it appears and feels as if this was just a stepping stone, to something else which is what i'm actually supposed to do--who i'm supposed to be. The most contemplative/potentially disturbing thought is that, if i'm supposed to get a law degree, shouldn't i be upset or emotionally affected by that not happening? Because i'm not at all. I'm totally at peace, and if anything, i'm only disturbed by what getting a degree might actually lead to in my life.

I've never been in this position before, but i think i'm actually living life from my deep true self, and it doesn't look pretty in the ways it used to--i'm not perfect, and i don't think the way everyone wants me to, and i simply don't fit in. I'm the odd-looking one that stands out and looks well, odd...

total precipitation of the heart...

the stream sweeps us into the river. the river has large currents. irrevocable ones. the stream one can influence, navigate. the river--not so much.

within the stream--we have will. within the river? against a tide? an ocean wave? and what is love but a wave of emotion and passion bubbling forth into an immovable force. the strongest in the universe, but....it starts with. a compilation. of. H2O molecules. individually--drops of water. together....immovable power. like love. by itself, divided--weak. impotent. but united--strength untold...

these concepts are merged in my head. love. and the river....the river is time. fate. life and it's ultimate plan for us. or rather--the river is not the plan, but the plan unfolds on the river.

i want something which i have not wanted for as long as i can remember. it's a small thing. a holiday thing. that this has returned to my life--this portion, and many things have died and gone that the rest of the world claim are 'important' to being 'successful'--it makes me happy. i could care less what everyone thinks. the river requires risk. as does love. inexorably so.

what reward has any of us to gain the world and all its content, and lose our soul?

without love...there is nothing.

time....

...they say, heals all wounds. it also reveals deep things lost, or so you thought. the past six months has been unique, healing, challenging, integral, predestined. and yet, i am at a loss. there is epiphany, and then the cloud closes. the fact remains we are still in a fallen world in which everyone is out for themselves. this is my plight, i suppose. i'll always give myself for another. this is dangerous.

there are a few around here who are bearing me up. can i trust them? yes. do they have time for me? sometimes. that is what i'm struggling against....so much change. i know what's next...the professional world and all its glory. to do it alone....just shoot me now. 'into the wild'--that's me. to a t. we were not meant to have things alone. and i don't just mean in terms of the structure of family, although that is the crux to this.

what i mean is--in community. i've left the most rich community of my life for a place where community exists, but is always subject to the constraints and demand of a system that is, well, predatory. zero-sum.

everything in question. everything suspect. i've been here before. but never....like this. and never by myself. nothing seems certain, except Him, of course.

the words escape me. the emotions are too much. the feeling is one in which everything i have done and been has been washed away, and now i am being swept away, while hearing the music of those all around me, thoroughly content and plush with blessings in their own lives. what i would give to cease feeling....