This post covers essentially the past weekend and today, my first normal monday and workday in quite a while. In case she's reading this, Elle Woods the *ahem* Fox News Legal analyst and my current supervisor, i appreciate your generous understanding of my globetrotting ways and topsy-turvy life as i endure the most horribly inefficient and red-tape-stuffed process known to man. I know you understand, because you have gone through it. Eventually i may heed your warnings to run screaming in the other direction. But it was good to be back and actually building momentum of productivity. I know you are so very proud of me :)
This of course happened after i drove all the way from north of the springs, where i live, to the south side of town...and was promptly informed that the woodpile we were about to move [i had the morning off to do manual charitable labor] was held up by...you guessed it...lawyers. stinking lawyers. you know the joke...what do you call all the lawyers in the world put at the bottom of the sea? a good thing. [they of course would be wearing scuba gear...don't worry]
...sooooo i wheeled around and drove all the way back home, being as i was dressed like a lumberjack. I don't think the Focus dress code would like me throwing a tie on over my gray hoodie and flannel shirt and torn up jeans. Hmmm....maybe i should have tried that.
speaking of leaving things as they are in the interest of efficiency.....one of my Wharton School recommenders wants to be sent to the taxidermist when he dies, instead of creamated. I am not kidding. First of all, you must understand that Bobby Fischer the Chemist Inventor Idea Machine is not your typical individual. For one, he's probably one of the most brilliant people walking the planet. Second, he invents things. For fun. Things that turn into multi-bazillion dollar products, i'm pretty sure. The man has over 200 patents, and companies the world over have his sweet wife to thank for kicking him out of the house for at least four hours a day so he'll continue to come share his gift with them. She is to be eternally blessed for putting up with him [he is, how shall i delicately put this....a firecracker?] Problem is, he invents things at home too...just sitting around and thinking stuff up. He sits on the recliner and reads....patents. Not the newspaper...high technology patents. Probably understands them better than lawyers paid thousands of dollars an hour to write them, too.
He's simply my friend. On my Wharton recommendation forms, when they ask for 'relation to recommender,' i skipped past 'teacher,' 'supervisor,' 'mentor,' and 'employer' and just put "friend."
Anyway....somehow he's proud of me. How this works i shall never understand. My father is one of his best friends, and he somehow thinks i make him proud....he's won major awards and inventor-of-the-universe-for-2007 or something like that, and single-handedly propelled market moves of major corporations, i would guess....and wait, he thinks i'm the one who hung the moon???...nevermind.
He wants to be taxidermied. [is that a verb?] i'm dead [pun intended] serious. He keeps acting like he's going to die soon, which is crap, and my dad keeps 'ordering' him to work until age 100. The man is in his 70's and his mind is still quicker than greased lightning. So my dad comes to him the other day and says "Doc" [they each call each other Doc], you aren't going to get creamated, your wife and i are going to send you to the taxidermist and we'll sit you in the halls so you can continue to inspire other employees.
a few days later....the wunderkind assents! He wants to be stuffed and put on display to improve company morale??? Well...maybe he just wants to be put on display. The man has said more blunt and honest and holy-crap-did-he-just-say-that-in-a-meeting? things to captains of industry than well...than there are taxidermists in the South. Does anyone else find it comical that one of the most brilliant minds created by our Soverign God is talking about his body being processed in the same place where Bubba and Jim-Bo bring their yearly deer or two every thanksgiving?
well...moving on...speaking of animals...we have a one-ton pet named 'Monk.' Seriously. He is an angus bull that was raised as an orphan by our ranch foreman's wife. She is basically Doctor Doolittle meets Mother Goose and i swear she talks to the animal when we're not looking, and they probably understand each other. But seriously, because little Monk had no bovine mother, she became imprinted on his psyche as mom. So....even today, when he's not so little anymore [he is about 2200 lb. and the dominant bull no matter who you put him with], she can walk out there in the pasture and he'll eat out of her hand and you'd swear he's a puppy dog. That is the size of a Honda.
Well....i'm thinking of parking him in our driveway. At our new place, which is really nice and a great community, mind you, you can't park in your own driveway apparently. I have yet to figure out which genius dreamed this up, but you must park all vehicles in the garage. Hmmm....3 guys, each with one car....a 2-car garage....yea, lawyers can't do math, apparently. I'm sure there's some 'reasonable' explaination....like, it disturbs the asthetic beauty or breaks community monotony or actually serves the purpose driveways were created for?!?!? Cmon people! Seriously! You can't park in your own driveway?
Well i'm thinking of parking my pet 'Monk' in the driveway for a few days. I see people walking their dogs and they can go in the driveway...i see cats running in the driveway....why not Monk? How many dogs do you know that can give rides to 6 small children at a time? [yes, my Mother uses him to entertain her pre-school class each year, and yes...Monk is the most gentle pet ever, i am not kidding....these kids' mothers know about this and know he's entirely safe]. I rest my case.
Taxidermy for the soul....i think thats what these people need. Which, this is a tangent, but i think that is what is happening to many of us, and perhaps America as a whole. You know...the outer appearance seems the same and unchanging, but the root insides are removed and replaced with vacuous white cotton stuffing....
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