When you have nothing left, and therefore nothing left to lose...

....then life begins. I used to think i knew God, knew what life was and is about. Then that got shattered. Then a friend died. Then it got shattered again. Then my grandfather died, shattered 3.0. Then in November basically the wheels began to come off, as my other grandfather--to whom i was quite close--died. It wasn't until the past week or so that the pieces have begun to come back together again.

I realized how much I'd gained that wasn't really anything, and yet i thought i had--opportunities, scholarships, material possessions, friendships, connections, new experiences and people to know. These are all substantial, yes, but they are, how to put it....accessories along our journey. We each are to pick up our cross and follow Him. All else be damned.

This has been difficult for me to swallow, being in such a resting place, a place of restoration and healing. Yet I begin to wonder, having nothing left....that state can remain, even as things are added to steward, to enjoy, to pay it forward and bless others with.

I've been realizing one core truth lately...i reacted with increased volatility to losing my grandfather, and only now, looking back with hindsight can i see that this altered my decision making process and made me panic...not about him or my family's reaction, but instead i channeled the panic into other areas of life. Which actually may have had life-changing consequences. Lovely. But God is faithful where i am fearful, and falliable, and ferociously frenetic and flallingly failing. Because that is what it feels like now, now that I can see what i did and why i did it and how blind i was to reality right in front of me. And the past wounds touched by dealing with losing someone....somehow these are conjured by adversity.

And so i need to react more calmly...but this is merely a result. The core truth is i need to trust the character of who God actually is...the real God, not who i limit in my conception of him with my puny and feeble human brain. And i need to listen to Him more. He knows a lot. And the future. And our pasts, and our hurts, and our pain and joy. Its amazing what can happen when you incline your ear to hear His voice.

Next post....what i'm learning about the importance of this challenge: "what do i have to offer"?

And something else i learned over the past few months....change happens. And things broken can be mended. It does, however, require a little thing called trust in not only God, but also the best in people. Silly me.